“Dear Relapse,”
Dear Relapse,
These past few days with you has been full of ups and downs, a trip down memory lane, and a bit of negative emotional stimulation. I’m very glad we’re beginning to part ways now.
Although I sometimes fall for your tricks and believe you to be something appealing, I’m simply not willing to re-create any old memories with you anymore. Your trickery has become transparent and I can no longer look at you and be convinced that you’re anything but a bad magician. I know the outcome of every one of your tricks, I know the truths behind all of your lies, and I know that life can be genuinely better without your “guidance.”
I do have my weak moments filled with challenges that seem too hard to overcome, stress that seems unmanageable, and an impulsive nature that drives me towards you in these trying moments, but I’m learning and growing from this, which is making you more and more distant.
I can’t say we’ll never meet again. Chances are, I may flirt with you occasionally in the future. I also may not. It depends. I can only try my hardest, and I will continue to do so, and maybe that will keep us apart for longer intervals.
You always bring out and reveal something about myself when we have our brief meetings, and for that I’m grateful. I can’t say I hate you but I most certainly do not love you.
Sincerely,
Parker.
Counting/Re-examining Blessings
I’m beginning to really understand the concept of yin and yang, and the fact that good can’t exist without bad, and vice versa.
Obviously, eating disorders independently are not positive things. They’re deadly, and hard to get away from once they’re engraved into your brain. However, my eating disorder and the recovery that’s been birthed from it has taught me vital lessons and given me opportunities to get to know myself and reexamine my entire life in a completely new perspective. Not to mention given me a good understanding of health, nutrition, & my own body, and sparked a passion for culinary arts, Buddhism, and natural health, among other things. Without the darkness that the eating disorder provided, I wouldn’t be able to say that. The eating disorder was a part of my evolution.
Everything positive about who I am today, grew out of a dark, confusing place. I mean, I’m in no way perfect- I cuss all the time, make inappropriate jokes, have to stop myself from saying something unnecessary or mean, and often catch myself thinking in self-destructive ways. No one is perfect, and that’s not the goal.
Count your blessings, even the ones that are in disguise…
Happy Valentines Day!
I’m learning to embrace the relapse nightmares that come along with recovery. I know I’m not the only one who has these- dreams where you’re that person again. Doing everything you used to do/still sometimes do, only to wake up with your heart pounding with a bitter/sweet sense of relief that it was all just a dream, mixed in with a bit of fear and doubt that it all could be real.
Eating disorders and the thoughts that surround them sometimes remain a ghost throughout your abstinence from ED habits. I’m learning to co-exist with all of it.
“What you resist, persists.”
A bad habit can’t be controlled. An addiction can’t be controlled. Eating disorders can’t be controlled. Quite the opposite.
I’ve learned this over and over again, countless times. I’ll find myself triggered, and rather than fighting through the unhealthy rush of relapsing, I go along with it and try to make it into something manageable. “Maybe I can just skip meals this week, and return to recovery next week..” As if an eating disorder is something that can be turned on and off.. As if a small taste of an old habit could satiate unhealthy urges. As if the eating disorder is a puppet that I have control of, rather than the contrary. I don’t know if that makes sense to anyone else but other people in recovery.
For the most part, the circumstances in my life are pretty great right now. I’ve got amazing friends, a job, and the future seems pretty bright and customizable. It’d be shameful of me to fall back into old habits and repeat an unhealthy cycle of struggling for that false sense of control an eating disorder provides.
Eating disorders only take from you. Recovery only gives to you. Yes, recovery is an absolute fight filled with self-reflection that’s sometimes uncomfortable, challenges that test your patience, and fighting off countless urges to starve, binge, purge, etc. But every time you choose a healthy habit over a toxic one, mental wounds are mending and you’re engaging in behaviors that will take you to way better places in life. Recovery enables you to grow into a happier, stronger person, thus leading to better relationships with yourself and others, better coping mechanisms, and an overall better experience of life. Easier said than done, but oh well! Move slowly, and track your progress. I’ve been on this journey on and off for two and a half years and I can tell you that my life is immensely more positive right now than it was when I began.
Keep it up guys.
